Easier to Run
by seitoyoukai
Summary: This is a songfic about Harry trying to cope with the loss of someone very close to him OOtP Spoilers, rated for some touchy subjects.


Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all that is Harry Potter, even though I wish I were that brilliant. More to the point, I wish I owned Sirius huggles the love of her life

Easier to Run

By Seitoyoukai

It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb.  
It's so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone...

He couldn't stop his feet, even if he wanted to. Which he didn't. Harry didn't know what he wanted anymore, he wanted someone to talk to, but at the same time he just wanted to be alone, to think, to leave all the pain that had been torturing him since...

Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
A secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see

He felt as though a part of his soul had been ripped violently away from him, and all that was left was the pain, the hurt. It hurt to breathe, to think, to be... The one person who he felt was as close to a father as he could get, his godfather, Sirius... if anyone found out that Harry knew the whereabouts of this convict, this murderer, he would never be able to forgive himself. No one could ever know but his closest friends and the Order of course.

Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away,  
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they've played...

The hurt inside him was unbearable; it was driving him insane. But no one knew that. Everyone knew he was in mourning, but no one could possibly see how tormented he was, that what he did caused his godfather, his friend, to die. In his dreams, while he was awake, even when he wasn't thinking about it, the moment Sirius fell beyond the veil played over and over in his mind. That whole night did, but mostly that moment. He relived the very moment when he himself had almost gone beyond the veil in a mad attempt to rescue him...and it played over...and over...and over...

If I could change I would, take back the pain I would,  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would

He would take back everything he did that night if he could. He would have never tried to contact Sirius. He would have never fooled Ms. Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest in a desperate plot to get to the Ministry of Magic. He never would have gone through the Department of Mysteries to find the Prophesy that Voldemort wanted. He never would have played right into Voldemort's hands... if he hadn't been so naïve, so foolish, so blind, he might have been able to save the person he cared about the most from a terrible fate... Harry was pretty sure that was the reason his pain was enough to have driven even the strongest person insane by now, but somehow he managed to keep is cool...or had he?

If I could stand up and take the blame I would,  
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

Of course, no one would allow him to think that it was his fault. They all told him that it wasn't his fault, that Sirius's death didn't have anything to do with Harry, but they were wrong. Harry knew it. They only said that to try and make him feel better, but the more they told him he shouldn't feel guilty, the more he was sure that he was to blame, no one else. If he could die right now, leave this world and the pain it held behind, he would. That was exactly what he was planning to do.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past,  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have

Harry started to remember all the hurt before this one. He remembered the green light, his mother's screams, he remembered the Dursley's and how he felt like nothing, like a worthless piece of shit while he was with them, until he found out he was a wizard. He remembered seeing Volemort's face on the back of Quirrel's head, how horrified he was to come face to face with the man who had murdered his parents, along with countless others. He remembered facing Tom Riddle, and how everyone had looked on him with disgust and fear for the majority of the year. He remembered the Dementors, and how all his painful memories were brought back by their mere presence. How he had thought his godfather was trying to kill him, when it turned out to be someone or some RAT closer to him. He remembered his life force, his soul, almost being taken away from him. He recalled Cedric's face while he lay on the ground motionless, dead. He recalled how Voldemort was brought back to life right before his eyes, with his blood, and how Voldemort tortured him in front of all his followers, and how he would have died if it hadn't been for their wands. He remembered his parents...they seemed so real for those few moments... He remembered having to drag Cedric's body back with him to his parents, and his encounter with "Mad-Eye Moody". Then that night at the Ministry of Magic...Harry shook his head, trying to clear the images from his head, but they just wouldn't fade...

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back,  
and never moving forward so there would never be a past

He remembered when he didn't have a care in the world besides his homework, or his friends. He had thought those were murder at the time, but now he would give anything to have them back. He wished now that on the night when the Dementors had almost taken his soul that they would have succeeded. He wouldn't have any emotion, or feeling, and if he could have that right now, he'd give anything. If he could just let go of all this pain, the torment, the suffering he held deep within his very being, he would gladly receive it. If he could just forget all emotions for the rest of his days, he would be content. If he could just exist, without the drama and anxiety of everyday life, he felt he might have reached inner peace.

Just washing it aside, all of the helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced is so much simpler than change

In that life, Harry wouldn't have to worry or care about anyone or anything. He'd live, he'd think, he'd breathe, but he wouldn't have emotions weighing on him like they had for so long. His emotions made him feel weak, a feeling he didn't like. Maybe for once, he'd be "one of the guys" instead of "The Famous Harry Potter". That wasn't what he wanted now, had ever wanted, or wanted in the future. He wanted to fit in, to have the limelight somewhere else, anywhere but him. Ron and Hermione weren't his friends because of his fame, they were his friends because of him. He just wished everyone else could see that too.

It's easier to run replacing this pain with something numb,  
It's so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone

He knew the Dursley's wouldn't care that once again, he had run away. It wasn't the first time that summer he had attempted this. The only reason he ended up there again was that one of the Order members had caught him and forced him back inside. Harry didn't make that mistake twice. He had studied their shift changes, how long it took the replacement to come after the person keeping watch over the house had left. He timed it so that he ran out of the house just as the watch-person had apparated. He guessed that in the time it took to run around the corner, the replacement would have gotten there already. He had been running a while, and no one was following him, so he guessed he had gotten by unnoticed. He would go to the bridge about a mile away from his house, and give himself to the water. No one understood his pain, and no one ever would, and if anyone did, they would also understand why he was doing this. He'd rather go to hell than face this all alone.


End file.
